Telling Your Partner You Have Herpes: How to Do It with Care

Let’s face it, herpes is really common. In fact, herpes simplex virus type 1 (HSV-1) is so prevalent that it affects over 67% of those under 50 worldwide. Meanwhile, herpes simplex virus type 2 (HSV-2) affects 13% of those under 50 worldwide.

This infection still carries a great deal of shame despite how widespread it is. Receiving a diagnosis of genital or oral herpes can be perplexing, humiliating, and stressful. However, being diagnosed with herpes does not indicate that your sexual life is finished. Maintaining pleasant, healthy relationships requires that you discuss your herpes status with your partners.

Herpes 101: Types, Transmission & Symptoms

In the United States, genital herpes affects around one in six people. 11.9% of people between the ages of 14 and 49 have herpes, according to the CDC.  The virus that causes herpes, HSV, comes in two different kinds:

• HSV-1: It is primarily spread orally by coming into touch with saliva. In addition to genital herpes, it typically causes oral herpes, which includes cold sores.
• HSV-2: HSV-2 is the most frequent cause of genital herpes. It can also cause oral herpes.

Here’s a comparison table to help you understand the difference between the two: 

Type	HSV-1	HSV-2
Also Known As	Oral herpes	Genital herpes
Common Symptoms	Cold sores around the mouth, fever blisters	Painful sores in the genital or anal area
Typical Location	Mouth and lips (can spread to genitals)	Genitals, buttocks, or rectal area
Mode of Transmission	Oral contact: kissing, sharing utensils	Sexual contact: vaginal, anal, or oral sex
Can Spread When	No sores are visible	No symptoms are present
Recurrence Rate	Less frequent relapses	More frequent relapses

Herpes can be contracted by touching:

• A herpes blister or sore
• Saliva from an oral herpes patient
• Vaginal fluids from a genital herpes patient
• Skin around the mouth or genitalia of an oral or genital herpes patient

Why Tell Someone You Have Herpes Matters?

It’s important to let any prospective or existing partners know that you have herpes before you get intimate for a number of reasons. First of all, it enables the other person to make an informed choice regarding their own sexual activity and health. Second, the basis of a healthy partnership is transparency and honesty. The majority of people value honesty, therefore even though it may sound intimidating, having this talk can improve your relationship.

Despite the fact that herpes is a highly common ailment, many individuals are unaware of it. It’s possible that your partner has it without even realizing it! Disclosing this fact to your partner will open up an opportunity to be truthful in your relationship. 

When Should You Disclose?

If you’ve been diagnosed with herpes, telling your partner at the right time matters a lot.

The Ideal Time: Before the First Physical Contact

If you’re wondering, when you should tell someone you have herpes, it’s usually best to tell them at the earliest. You’re not necessarily scaring someone off with the news—it’s about trust, maturity, and giving the other person the respect of informed consent. When herpes is disclosed before physical intimacy, you build a level of trust and decency in the mind of the other person. 

So yes, the fear is real. But so is the chance that they’ll stay.

Here’s what matters:

• Be clear, not apologetic.
• Explain what herpes is—and what it isn’t.
• Mention how you manage it (e.g., antiviral treatment, safe practices).
• Reassure them that with the right precautions, the risk of transmission is low.

You can say something like, “I want to share something personal because I care about being upfront. I have herpes—it’s managed, I take medication, and I’m careful. If you have questions, I’m open to talking.”

That’s it. No drama, no shame. Just honesty.

If You’ve Already Been Intimate: Here’s What to Do

Life doesn’t always follow a script. If you’ve already had physical contact before disclosing, focus on proactive care and rebuilding trust without guilt.

Post-Intimacy Protocol:

• Recommend immediate STI testing for both of you (don’t delay, even if symptoms aren’t present).
• Confirm your treatment plan and share what you’re doing to reduce transmission.
• Create a safety plan together—use protection, avoid intimacy during outbreaks, and consider daily antivirals.

Herpes is common. What’s rare is people being honest about it.

Disclose early. Stay informed and lead with respect.

Herpes Disclosure Laws by State

Most people usually wonder: do you have to tell someone you have herpes? In the U.S., herpes disclosure laws fall under broader STD/STI transmission laws, which can vary significantly by state. So, is it illegal to not tell someone you have herpes? In most jurisdictions, knowingly exposing someone to an STI—especially without disclosure—can result in criminal charges, civil liability, or both.

So what actually matters in the eyes of the law?

Let’s break it down:

• Did you know you had herpes?
  Knowledge is a major legal trigger. If you knew, you had a duty to speak up.
• Did you tell them before getting intimate?
  Disclosure isn’t optional. It’s a key part of informed consent.
• Did they get infected?
  Some states don’t even require transmission to press charges—but if it happens, expect the legal spotlight to get hotter.
  

Bottom line: honesty isn’t just the best policy. In this case, it’s also the legal one, especially in the states mentioned below. 

State	Disclosure Required by Law	Criminal Penalty	Civil Liability	Notes
California	Yes	Misdemeanor/Felony	Yes	Requires disclosure if infection is known
New York	Yes	Typically misdemeanor	Yes	Intent not always required
Florida	Yes	Felony	Yes	Transmission not necessary for prosecution
Texas	Yes	Misdemeanor	Yes	Prosecuted under general assault laws
Illinois	Yes	Felony	Yes	Applies to both HSV-1 and HSV-2
Washington	Yes	Felony if proven intent	Yes	Consent matters if disclosure was made
Georgia	No specific law	Rarely prosecuted	Possible via civil court	Relies on general tort law
Arizona	Yes	Felony	Yes	Disclosure mandatory before any contact
Colorado	Yes	Misdemeanor	Yes	Disclosure required if diagnosed
Ohio	Yes	Felony	Yes	Laws include “reckless exposure” clause

How to Tell a Partner You Have Herpes? (Step-by-Step Strategies)

You need to disclose your genital herpes to your partner. The odds will turn out in your favor if you choose the appropriate time and phrase it correctly.

Consider your partner’s reaction to the news. Do you want it to appear to be a major issue? Of course not. Saying, “I have a bit of awful news for you,” is likely to be seen as bad luck by your companion. So, how to tell someone you have herpes? Be straightforward, informal, and neutral instead.

Additionally, refrain from advising them on how to respond, particularly in a negative way. Whether you say, “Don’t freak out, but…,” or “You’re going to worry when you hear this,” you are causing your partner to become anxious. 

These tips will help you communicate with your partner about herpes. 

1. Learn Everything You Can About the STI

Learn as much as you can about genital herpes before you inform so you’ll be ready to respond to any inquiries your partner might have. Emphasize how common it is. It could be comforting to hear the one-in-six statistic. Describe what it means to have it as well. Some people get genital sores, while many others experience symptoms that are so minor they are practically invisible.

Pick your words carefully. Avoid using a lot of negative imagery in the conversation. Despite the fact that genital herpes is a disease, the term “disease” has negative connotations, so refrain from using it. Be mindful of adjectives as well. Don’t call your illness “disgusting,” “horrible,” or “incurable.”

2. Pick the Right Setting

The environment might have an impact on the outcomes in addition to language. Don’t just enter a room and say, “Hey, we need to talk,” or phone them at work. You may create a fight for no reason.

A calm environment with no outside distractions, just the two of you, is ideal. A quiet supper or a stroll in the park is a better place to talk.

3. Allow Time for Processing the Information

Acknowledge the fact that different people may react differently, and give them time to absorb the news. Do not become defensive. If someone wants to do research, let them do it on their own time.

4. Encourage testing

Once a person learns that a sexual partner has herpes, it is crucial that they get tested for the disease. You can then talk about ways to keep the other person from getting herpes if just one person tests positive.

FAQs

I’m scared to tell my partner I have herpes, how can I do?

Start with honesty and empathy. Choose a calm, private moment. Be direct, but human: “I care about you and want to share something important.” Stick to the facts, stay open to questions, and remember—this doesn’t define your worth or your relationship. If you just don’t have the means to speak up, look for an online anonymous STD notification service.

Is it illegal to not disclose herpes?

It can be. Laws vary by state, but in many places, telling someone you have herpes after sleeping with them and knowingly exposing someone to herpes (or any STI) without telling them first could lead to legal consequences. When in doubt, honesty protects everyone—including you.

Helpful Tool: Anonymous STD Notification

Telling someone they may have been exposed to an STI isn’t easy—but it is the right thing to do. If the idea of a face-to-face conversation feels overwhelming, anonymous notification tools can help.

Services like TellYourPartner let you discreetly send a text message to notify your partner of the risk of STIs—no names, no awkward confrontation. You simply provide their contact info, choose a message, and the platform delivers it for you.

It’s confidential. It’s responsible. And it gives your partner a chance to protect their health, too.

Related Articles:
>>>Anonymously Text Your Partner About an STD
>>>Texts for STD Notification[Anonymou Ways]

Disclaimer: This post only provides communication guidance on STIs/STDs, but should not be considered medical advice. Consult a healthcare professional for accurate diagnosis, treatment, and personalized advice.